Recently I received a message from a reader who said that my story moved him in a way that it felt like he had been staring into the sun after he finished reading. An interesting analogy, I think, as living it had a similar effect. Likewise, writing about it does too, though certainly to a lesser extent.
Writing about it is more like looking at the sun with a filter; that being the filter of time. Easier to do than it was the first time around, though still a challenge nonetheless. But for me, one of the most compelling aspects of the reader's analogy is the way things appear different as the pupils readjust to normal, in the light of the day-today, after being blinded by the sun. My next installment, should be ready to post sometime this weekend. In it, I will look back at planning the memorial service for Roman while grappling with my own conflicting ambivalence about his life and legacy, and about coming to the realization that nobody really knew him.
Cultivating plucky blooms from the fertilizer of grief
2 comments:
I just got the chance to go visit your blogspot... and oh my, it really hit my soul in a big way. It kind of knocked the proverbial wind out of me. Your disclosures about the circumstances surrounding Roman's death, in such detail, really got to me. I know you had written to me about Roman's death before and I was much impacted by it - but to read them in the light of your blog... well, it hit me in a whole new way. Sunny, what courage it must have taken for you to decide to post such a personal matter - but then again, from what I know of you, I know you were motivated to write about it not only for personal/therapeutic/cathartic reasons, but to offer whatever solace or comfort to others who have gone through grief so they too would know that they are not alone. When I first read that you had started a blog, for some reason I had thought it would be of a less personal nature (no offense about that at all, I just thought that it would be mostly witty commentary on life packed with the intellectual substance that you always seem to provide in your writing - something I always enjoyed about your writing). I definitely see that your blog has that component as well, but reading what you wrote about Roman on there greatly increased the scale, range, and playing field of the content of your blog. You are not only an exceptionally gifted writer, but one who is able to articulate the nuances of the heart - and of the intricacies and ambiguities in human experience - in such a way that I can only liken to how photographic images are transposed onto celluloid - except that instead of transposing photographic images you are transferring the complexities and the ambivalences of human emotion into words. I know I sound like a wannabe English teacher when I say this, but Sunny, you've GOT to keep writing! You are blessed with a gift and the rare sensitivity to translate experiences and thoughts and feelings into words. And, on the other end of the spectrum, you are able to hit big with ridiculously funny remarks about the mundane that most of us think about, but never know how to express. :)
I am also not AT ALL surprised by the responses you've been getting to your blog!! You have a voice and style that is not only talented in articulate expression but rings with the clarity of someone who has come to terms with all that they (are and are not)... the acceptance of your truth is deeply powerful and enviable for so many people!!! as i sit reading the things you write, i often wonder if you are truly aware of this beautiful thing you are creating.. all of it... your humor, your references, your wit, your poignant honesty, the songs... it paints a mural of YOU and it's spectacular to watch unfold!!! i know i have a thing for using 50 pt. bonus words but please know that i don't use my words lightly. (as i recently explained to D, i think i use words like he uses paint colors because i choose them with the same precision to get just the right hue that will transfer what i feel into something relatable). i don't do 'fluff', which i hope you have long been aware of. :)
and yes, what you put to pen is BRUTAL in it's relentless immersion into the depths of the soul but that's why it ROCKS!! i often wonder if you are fully aware of how much you are reaching into others' souls.. into some of their most gut wrenching places and quieting them with the comfort of solidarity... you're articulating what so many other people can't. there is SO much that is relatable about what you write.. even though the context of your situation is not the same for most... there are fragments of it or the devastation itself that i'm sure many others out there can find kinship with.
i love how you discuss your process of wrapping your head around roman's infidelity and especially the part about wanting to hug him but not wanting to appear weak or needy (i can relate to that well), the part where you discuss your heart sinking, the desire to end things amicably, the frustration at trying to connect with someone who was emotionally unavailable.... the list goes on. even as i write, i know there were so many subtle things i noticed then but have not said here that are so familiar in relationships that are part of *why* so many people can feel your truth. as usual, the telltale mark of authenticity is in the details...anyway, i know i don't need to say these things again and again but i am SO impressed and inspired by you!!!!
i love your candor and your reverence and your depth and your light...i've been reluctant to start a blog where i'm actually sharing my writing (so far, i've only got one up that just shares my art or items of interest in the most half-assed way) but..... somehow i see it as an inevitable destination i might as well stop fighting. probably not anytime soon since blogs require time i have little of these days... but someday.
and btw, you are also correct, i think, in recognizing that not everyone is used to traveling in the dimly lit abyss.... i keep telling you you're a hard hitting mo fo!!!! hellooooooooo?? LOL!!! but seriously, D also commented on your depth and said that he'd never read anything that made him cry like that. Granted, he cannot help but wear his heart on his sleeve, but one of the things i really love most about him is his ability to recognize and respond to truth and beauty! i've gotten to know him pretty well and i know those are the things that truly bring him to tears and i know that's where your writing hit him. hits everyone... hell, i even knew what to expect (for the most part) and i still welled up!
so with no pressure to please the masses or fulfill some kind of role for anyone intended at all, do not underestimate your power and gift...!
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