About the Blog

"There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you." 
Maya Angelou 

My Public Catharsis: This blog was created as a way to help myself gain personal insight as I continue to move forward and come to terms with sudden life-altering loss, stemming from my traumatic experiences with the infidelity, betrayal, and death of my spouse.  While I feel I have fared well overall, thanks in no small part to the love and support of quality friends and family, I have nonetheless, been affected and changed in ways I still have yet to comprehend.

Helping shed light on this uncomfortable topic gives purpose to my seemingly random string of experiences and makes the nagging question of "why" a little bit easier to silence.  Also, by telling my story in a way that reaches and teaches others, I feel it helps to elevate my husband's clouded legacy somewhat.

My husband was a person I loved, then loathed...sometimes within the space of a single breath...and someone I continue to grieve for.   He was a person I have come to understand as complex, who left this world on a lousy note - leaving behind unfinished business, and who acted at times like a bona fide pud ("Pud" being one of his favorites among his vast personal lexicon of pompous put-downs for others; basically meaning "dumbshit," more or less); yet in spite of those factors, he was also someone who was young, who was brilliant, who held tremendous potential, and who was taken from this life too soon.

My husband was a person who made mistakes, which I feel sincerely he should have been given the opportunity to learn from and atone for.  Though, ultimately he was not afforded the time to do so, for reasons that are beyond my ability to know.

While true, he did lie to my face repeatedly and he did cheat on me selfishly in his final days...the sad reality remaining when all is said and done, is that I am alive now and he is not.  Personal errs notwithstanding, I can't help but think that he was the one who was really cheated here, not me.  Still, I am the one left behind to make sense of it all...and therefore, whatever sense there is to be made of it, by it, or for it...now rests solely in my living hands.

Difficult at best, this process has at times been made worse by feelings of terrible isolation due to the specifics of my ordeal, as well as by the internal shame and guilt I experienced, which I now know commonly accompany grief.  That said however, along the way I have connected with others who do relate in various capacities, and as a result, I have developed a richer insight into the human experience as it relates to trauma in general.   Moreover, I now recognize the opportunity for change and personal growth that can come from such trials, that I could not have known otherwise, were it not for my struggle.  Experiences like mine hit deeply.  Consequently, I have come to grasp that I can never expect to "get over it," but rather, learn to live with it.  And therein lies the opportunity for volition; albeit a tough one.

Trauma is something I have come to view as a general sort of painful experience, which comes in many forms, wears many masks, and often varies wildly from person to person in terms of specifics - and which comes on a continuum ranging in intensity from "not that bad," all the way to "full blown living nightmare” on my own imaginary "Trauma-O-Meter" experience survey.

Accordingly, depending on how impactful the traumatic event is on a person's life, the process of reconciling with it - of living with its effects, and of learning to find a new sense of normal in its wake - is often very much the same for people...regardless of the initiating script.  Further, I now know that these striking catalysts often lead to crushing internal psychological states that result from ensuing grief, as individuals attempt to cope with various ramifications of their trauma.  But these catalysts may, nonetheless, have the capacity to bring about new viewpoints and inner strength that would otherwise go untapped.

To me, trauma and grief go hand in hand, like peanut butter and jelly...like a baseball and a baseball bat...like popcorn and the movies.  Only of course, the former existing without the obvious fun and yumminess that come with those other known comrades.  Instead, the pairing of trauma and grief hold the dichotomous potential to cause people to either shrivel up and die inside, stagnate, or flourish in response - as personal disaster has the capacity to lead to a much greater appreciation for the simple goodness that life has to offer. An appreciation that may be imperceptible on the surface and can easily be lost in the haze of grief. 

What's more, my experience has taught me that grief is actually a very common process, but it is made to seem insurmountable at times due to people's gross misunderstanding of it.  Therefore, in addition to helping myself with the healing process, it is also my hope and ultimate intention, that this site will reach those who relate to the aftermath of loss, betrayal, trauma, or what-have-you, and will serve to help those affected to feel less isolated by their circumstances so that they may glean some peace of mind, as they will no doubt relate to aspects of my story.

Giving a deeper insight into the life altering experiences of others is an additional goal I have for this blog.  It is a goal aimed toward readers who cannot relate personally to my story, though who most certainly (hermits and social recluses aside) know someone who has been affected by trauma.  For those of you who fit that mold, I set out to convey my experience in an accessible manner, so that you will continue returning.  Because I believe that any insight you gain from knowledge of my personal tribulations, has the power in turn, to be used to support those affected in your own lives.  Subsequently, the support you forward to others, has the power to help them in ways you may not immediately perceive...as you will hopefully have greater ability to ease the crippling isolation they may be experiencing and help them move forward, simply because you have a better understanding what its like to stand in their shoes.

In closing, I thank you for stopping by and thank all of you who have contacted me with your kind, supportive expressions as you react to my story.  These gestures are taken by me as positive affirmation that I am moving in the right direction with this very public next step.  I encourage visitors to follow the blog on Facebook, Twitter, or by subscribing to the feed directly via email or Feedburner. And by all means, if you know someone who you think will benefit from my words, please...pass it on!