 |
| Roman just being Roman. Hawaii, 2002. |
While at times funny, generous, and conscientious - Roman possessed a personality streak that I considered mean and inconsiderate. It was also a side of him for which he made no apologies.
About a week before he gave the news of his affair, I received an online code for a free iTunes download. A few times he mentioned that he really liked Bauhaus' version of "Ziggy Stardust," so I used my freebie to get him the song. When I told him about it, he responded, "what'd you do that for..??" To which I retorted something to the effect of, "when someone gives you something, you are supposed to say 'thank you'...!!" But that's just how Roman was. He was not an outwardly sentimental guy.
I remember the day he dropped the bomb; earlier in the day we went to the grocery store. We had just loaded the car with our bags when we were about to drive away. As we backed out of the parking space, a man was returning his cart to the front of the store.
Roman commented , "Look at that guy..! Look at him...his hair...! Look how he walks..!"
Roman was implying that the guy looked stupid with his hair and his gait. There was a tone to his words that suggested judgmental delight. I did not see why Roman was so compelled to speak like that about a complete stranger.
"What's wrong with him? He's just a regular guy...what's the big deal..??" I was irritated, but it was nothing new.
Roman spoke like that often. Sometimes I defended the person in question like I did that day. Other times not. I think the only reason I remember that particular instance is because of the day in which it occurred. Likewise, it was when I started to realize that his confession of infidelity was my way out, that I reflected his recent comments at the store, and his crap reply when I gave him the Ziggy Stardust song.
I was DONE!
Not surprisingly, it was the side of him - the side I disliked - that found a connection outside of the marriage.
Believe it or not, there is part of me now that is mournful on his behalf over never getting to fully realize whatever potential could have been in his extramarital relationship. By that, I mean there was a side to Roman that I found downright offensive. Yet there was someone out there who not only liked that side of him, she also identified with it proudly. There is a part of me that regrets he did not go on to see what would have become of their "connection" that she boasted about so emphatically.
Make no mistake...at times I boil with anger over his behavior and how he treated me. However, as I have said repeatedly, my grief is messy. This is one example of how convoluted I feel at times. Sometimes, I grieve for what could have become of his life. Roman was so bright. I truly feel he was short changed in the end.
If he sincerely did find his soul mate with that girl, there is a side of me that says, "more power to them!"
Though that said, I do wish he would have been more honorable in his pursuits...Which brings me to another fork in the road of this multi-pronged process.
Why would he have been more honorable?
Up until the day he died, Roman simply behaved as the person he was. Lacking empathy for people. Ironically, human.
Roman placated me in our relationship and put others down routinely. He showed his colors in his time with me. The character I find myself longing for now is the same one I sought during our marriage. If he would have demonstrated that kind of being in life, then this entire blog would likely not exist, nor would the blessings that have come to me in the days since his death. My life following his passing would have been very different.
Moreover, being of the nature I was at that time, I certainly would not have been inclined to open up to the world about my experience. Not only would the thought have terrified me, I imagine it also would have seemed pointless. Instead though, now talking about Roman's life and legacy gives new meaning to it.
Roman's mistakes left me holding the bag so to speak. Yet, forgiveness gives purpose to my grief so that I may use it for a greater good. I'm using it and people are benefiting. People contact me all the time to let me know. And that is what is now becoming of Roman's legacy.
What an enormous gift he left behind.
