Image via WikipediaI mentioned in my bio that I chose the pen-name, Sunny, because it is symbolic. Now that I have finished telling about my loss, I decided that this is a good time to explain my choice of pseudonym. It comes from the film "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind." It's a movie I liked when it came out, but did not think much of, until I saw it again this summer. If you haven't seen it, here's IMDb's synopsis: (Sure, I could have written a summary of my own. But why reinvent the wheel?)
"A man, Joel Barish, heartbroken that his girlfriend Clementine underwent a procedure to erase him from her memory, decides to do the same. However, as he watches his memories of her fade away, he realizes that he still loves her, and may be too late to correct his mistake."Watching it again this summer, I saw it in a whole new light and I became slightly captivated by the possibility of it. For a long time, I felt damaged by loss. I felt damaged by the constant reminders....damaged by the sting of my memories. I did my best to avoid them, but I never quite avoided enough of them. Then, I saw this movie again and thought, "what if...what if I could erase my memories from those three horrible weeks? Would I no longer feel damaged, burdened, and exhausted?" It seemed like a pipe dream come true.
And then, one day in the shower, I had an epiphany. (I often have creative ideas in the shower and in the car...I don't know why.) I needed to remove as many reminders as I could.
So with that idea, I finally donated the rest of Roman's clothes to a local thrift store, I donated his books to the local library, and I took down a framed print that he always liked. No surprise, it was not the answer I was searching for. I had already done similar rituals, so I don't know why I thought this would be the magical one that would finally set me free.
Then, in October, I had another epiphany. No wonder it didn't work...I am a trigger...I live with constant triggers...as long as I am living and breathing, I will always come face to face with triggers. They cannot be eliminated. All I can do is learn to live with them so that I can take more control to diminish their power over me.
Then I got to thinking again about the movie...maybe those memories can be used to transform others and me alike. Maybe, by embracing my past, I can help others somehow. Maybe. What if, by releasing my memories to the world, I can give a gift to someone else? Something they can take with them, to help them deal with their own struggles. What if I can shed some light on this nightmare of grief, which like it or not, I am involved with intimately.
From those questions, Sunny was born. Sunny started singing the blues in an effort to acknowledge the past, learn from it, and turn it into something useful; something "plucky." Like a flower that people can pick and take home and put in water for it to bring something beautiful into their lives. Hopefully, I have given that to some of you. For me, the name Sunny represents my own plucky bloom, owning my experiences, and transforming them into something meaningful. Sunny represents the rebirth that can come from grief - if it is allowed to bloom.
