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| Chris. |
In February 2007, three months after Roman died, I met his one and only friend for dinner. Initially, when I called to break the news about Roman's sudden death, his friend, whom I'll call "Craig," saw Roman's name pop up on the caller ID. He answered the phone, not with "hello," but instead picked up and exclaimed, "Dude! Are you still alive?!" Obviously it had been some time since Roman gave Craig the time of day, making for a very uncomfortable conversation following his telephone greeting.
"Uh, hi, Craig..It's Sunny, actually; Roman's wife." My tone was somber. He didn't know me well, but he could clearly tell by my voice that my call was serious. Likewise, he sounded dazed as he processed the news. I asked him and his wife to come to the funeral and he gladly obliged.
Craig showed up at the funeral, along with his wife and several other of Roman's former co-workers. Roman and Craig worked together in the years prior, and Craig actually joined Roman and I for a few nights out back when we were just friends - in the days before our relationship became romantic.
I always liked Craig and wished that Roman would have been nicer to him. Though for all the people that Roman spoke ill of, he never had anything bad to say about Craig. He was more indifferent than anything. Still, indifference does not foster relationships, so it had been some time since they had contact.
In the days following Roman's death, I ended up becoming friends with Craig and his wife. In fact, I probably spent more time with them in the span of a year that Roman did in their entire friendship.
Craig understood Roman though, so he never seemed to take Roman's arrogance personally. He seemed to accept Roman for being who he was..Much in the same way I did when Roman and I were friends.
I mention Craig now because I came across a journal entry I made one night after meeting him and his wife for dinner. That night, we spoke about Roman's intelligence, his choices, and what I thought I had learned from it all. Craig mentioned that I should start a blog, but at that time, I could not bring myself to such a public display. Afterall, it had only been three months. Up to that point, I still wasn't sure what I had learned.
Since then though, the lessons have become more clear to me. And as I look back on this little entry, I am surprised at how concise my thoughts were; especially considering how dazed I felt mentally and emotionally.
Stylistically, I don't think it is my best piece of writing, but at that time I was not concerned about presentation...only content. I did not want to forget what I had learned, lest I should be cursed to repeat it.
This entry dated is dated February 13, 2007
Relationships are what truly matter in life, as they are your legacy. Never forget that. Never forget what is most important when you begin to feel overwhelmed by the little things in life. At the end of the day, those things do not matter. Perfection in the petty details will not define you when you are gone. People will only remember your spirit, your strength, your compassion, and your humor. They will remember the lessons that you taught, how you made the world a better place, and how they felt when they were with you. Be kind because acting out of fear only reinforces and empowers the fear itself. Self awareness and honesty are the key to meaningful relationships. Without those traits, you cannot truly see others for who they are and likewise, they will not be able to see you. If you are not aware, you will not hear the whispers being spoken through you. Without those whispers, you will not know your true value, the value of others, or what you were put on Earth to do.The timing of my journal entry is interesting to me now. Recognizing the value of relationships, be them family, friends, or significant others, was at the core of the of the entry. I must have listened to my words, because I reconnected with several friends I had lost touch with. I also made several solid new friendships in the years since Roman died. And most notably, I met my boyfriend Chris, just seven days after I wrote that entry on February 13th.. Chris and I are still together to this day.
In June 2007, he picked up and moved from New York to California to begin a romantic relationship with me. While no relationship is perfect, since then we have built a solid foundation together. Chris has been a big support to me in healing from the pain that Roman left behind. Still, I don't want to give the impression that meeting him was my big simple happy ending. To me, that sounds trite. Personally, I hated "Eat Pray Love," both the book and especially the movie, for that very reason. Life continues to present challenges regardless of having found "Mr. Wonderful." And as a once betrayed widow, I certainly came with my share of unfinished business to contend with.
My grief for Roman is separate from Chris's place as my current love. Therefore, grief has continued to run it's course regardless of the unwelcome intrusion on my new life. Unfortunately, the fact of the matter is, grief operates on grief's terms. Part of what makes my relationship with Chris work so well though, is his ability to recognize that my healing process is not about him. And because of that, he has always been supportive, rather than temperamental and egoistic in response to my prior loss.
Chris is self-aware and honest. In choosing him, I guess I took my own advice. Now, I find the clarity I had at that time in choosing a good person to be somewhat remarkable. Easily, I could have rebounded into something messy, given my vulnerability. I didn't though. Instead, I learned, listened, opened up, and trusted my instincts and wound up with someone who brings out the best in me. Likewise, in return, I bring out the best in him. Although, certainly not without struggle, today I'm better for it; giving me faith that things happen for reasons that I do not need to know in the moment.
