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| Metamorphosis is worth it. |
I think I can, I think I can...
Sometimes I dont want to though. In fact, most of the time, I'd really rather not.
Untangling my memories of what happened and then trying to make sense of my ensuing grief has felt a little like trying to comb through hair matted with dreadlocks. Yeah, I can comb and pick at it until it's unsnarled...But who wants to? Not me.
Still, I've described my experiences in the days leading up to and following Roman's death. I told how each sequence of events unraveled my sense of wellbeing and normalcy with a swift series of figurative kicks to my psyche, until eventually I was left feeling fragmented.
It was difficult to live through, and at times no less difficult to look back on - let alone write about in detail. Now, I'm in a different place though, which is why I am able to look back at all. Triggers still pop up without warning. They leave me reliving the anger, sadness, and confusion as I've said before, but for the most part, I live day to day just like anyone else.
For me, forgiveness is about allowing myself to feel whatever is brought up when grief revisits, but then remembering to let it go. Forgiveness, being a process, is about choosing not to perseverate on my pain. Conversely, it's also about choosing not to ignore it. Instead, to me, it's simply about accepting that things happened - good or bad - for a reason.
What reason...I don't know; though I certainly have my theories. And all of my thoughts about the purpose brings me back to something that is much larger than Roman, Erica, or me.
Forgiveness has allowed me to stop feeling victimized so that I could learn from my loss. I imagine I could easily have slipped into a self-defeating spiral of pity. But I know that would not do me, those around me, or Roman's legacy any good. Nor would it change what happened or give me any real sense of closure. Though, I have come to accept that Roman's final words to me were the closest I will come to "closure," when I pause to think about it, his words are less important to me. My words to him are where the closure actually is.
Roman repeatedly lied to me.
Not only that, I think he lied to himself up until the day he died. Specific words he did or didn't say hold little weight in the grand scheme. What matters to me is how I handled things. My behavior and my words are what have helped or haunted me the most.
Nowadays, I no longer ignore that tiny whispering voice in the back of my head. When it prompts me to act, I listen. It's simple intuition. We all have it, and I believe it is there to guide us. Ego, I think, is intuition's polar opposite. People do shitty things when guided by ego. They also justify their shitty actions with their warped perceptions created by their egos. Roman was no different.
So how could he possibly give me piece of mind? He couldn't. Not when he was alive and certainly not in death.
Roman was on his own path. He made his own choices. Many of his choices hurt me, but they do not define me. They only define him.
Recognizing that made it easier for me to finally tell my story, when for years I protected it. I protected him. Eventually that led me to a bearkdown. Protection led me to a breakdown...Ironic, yes. Though that is only because within that "protection" there was also denial of reality..and denial is exhausting, yet no less understandable.
It's easier to look away.
Painful memories are like looking at an eclipse, so over the years I did various rituals to skew my gaze. I held onto, then got rid of Roman's clothes. eBay kindly took the jewelry he gave me, including my engagement ring. I bought new clothes, threw away old ones, redecorated my apartment, went out with friends, started dating, and threw myself into my work. Likewise I read, wrote, cried, joked, watched TV, over-ate, prayed, cussed, vented, distracted myself, procrastinated, slept too much...you name it. No doubt, I've been carrying some "stuff" that I've tried to forget. Nonetheless, some actions brought reprieve in the moment and others did not. Mostly though, they simply gave me more ambivalence and prolonged the sting of looking into the sun.
The third anniversary of his death finally brought me the ability to scatter Roman's ashes. I'll probably share more about that process in a future post, but suffice it to say, my feelings were mixed. Scattered in tide pools about 30 miles from here, I havent worn the shoes I was wearing since that night. Those flip flops are still covered in sand from the Pacific and will forever remind me of letting his physical being go. It was sad and unsettling to me, even so long after the fact. That's what I mean about the lingering nature of grief.
I did what I needed to do...I "let go."
Mostly.
But not that instant. It's been gradual and I'm still working on it.
The three weeks that saw the loss of my marriage and Roman's life were traumatic. If it were as easy as scattering his ashes, saying a prayer, and as Nike says, choosing to "just do it," then I'd have "just done it" ages ago.
And I did...
Just as I continue to do. Oh, If only buying a new pair of shoes could do the trick..Well then I'd be set. True, rituals are helpful for letting go, but they are only part of the process. Denial too, has it's place. People who have not experienced trauma do not understand that.
Many mean well, but they simply do not know.
Bless them for that.
I wouldnt wish this kind of learning on anyone. Though sometimes I think that the most entitled among us are the ones in the most pain. The most ugly among us are often the ones struggling the most. And as a school psychologist, believe me when I say, I see some ugliness. But inner pain is no excuse for giving up, continuing to look away, and embracing nastiness. I don't want to leave that legacy behind when I'm gone. If given the choice, I often wonder if Roman would have too.
It is not easy, but I'd rather spend a lifetime learning to let go of my loud ego and accept the reality beyond my own eyes. I'd rather keep trying to forgive and do better than how I was done onto. To me that is truly kind. To me that is at the core of forgiveness. It's certainly, something that requires ongoing effort; much like living with loss while finding the strength to grow.
*****
That's all I have to say about forgiveness. My next blog post will continue unsnarling the heady tangled mess we call grief. But for now, I've finished wading through the dreadlock of forgiveness. Though, as one final comb through on this strand, instead of a song, I'd like to leave readers with one of my favorite pieces of writing. This pretty much says it all...
"Desiderata" by Max Ehrmann
Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexatious to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love, for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment, it is as perennial as the grass. Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be. And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.
