Sunny Sings The Blues: Forgiveness Part 5: Kindness Speaks in Whispers

A 2006 BMW 325i whispered more than "buy me!"

Roman's infidelity was my way out of a marriage I no longer wanted, with a person I, sadly, no longer believed in. That is why I was so quick to ignore my ranting ego and turn the other cheek toward an amicable separation when it was obvious that he was going to clutch onto his bogus "Borders" story like it was a child's security blanket. At the time, when he was still breathing, I could see that insecurity in him.

That's why I stopped pressing for the truth in favor of my own needs and instead looked toward the new life that lay ahead for me.

Emotionally, with an impending divorce, I was anxious but confident. In truth, at that time, I was primarily concerned about being financially secure. Especially since Roman talked me into buying a brand new car just three-weeks before he confessed his affair to me.

I needed a new car back then. Driving my old Honda Civic with 100,000 miles plus on it, 50 miles a day during my commute to and from work, was not going to last. Moving was not an option, and I was finally making money after finishing grad school.

I wanted the nicest car I could get, but also aimed to be realistic about what we could afford. With that, I planned on getting a Jetta, though what I wanted was a 3 series BMW.

So, long story short, I got the BMW.

With two incomes, we could afford it without a problem. And everytime I mentioned getting the Jetta, Roman would say something like, "You don't want the Jetta...Get what you want!" Always...He said it constantly.

It was like I was trying to be sensible in satisfying a craving by eating a some Oreos, while he offered up a fudge sundae, saying "You know you want some..!!"

Uh, yeah.

Give me permission for an indulgence and I'll find it hard to resist even now. Back then..forget it.

And when Roman told me that he cheated, I realized that I had just bought that damn car. I knew better than to buy such an expensive car too, but I ignored my better judgement once again. What's more, I knew he was lying about hooking up with someone randomly at Borders. I knew in my gut that he had been encouraging me to buy the BMW when he was cheating all along. And that pissed me off.

It really...really pissed me off. Though actually, I was mad at myself for not listening to the voice in my head. The same voice that vaguely questioned if I could afford the car on my own, without Roman's financial support. A doubting thought which came to me in whispers..but was there regardless. In fact, when I applied for the loan to purchase my new car, at the last minute I changed my mind and went for the longer payment option. I told myself that Roman and I would still make the higher payments, but "just in case" I didn't want to be saddled to such a high monthly bill. Yeah, the question was there..

"Just in case.."

And the night Roman told me of his indiscretion, I thought my intuition was right. I figured I must have sensed a divorce in my future. Good thing I went for the lower payments! Nonetheless, I was pissed off at Roman for encouraging me to buy it when he had a secret troll under his bridge. Roman also knew better.

So honestly, before he died, I just wanted him to help pay off the car. If need be, that was the only thing I was willing to be a bitch about in the divorce. I felt he owed me that...And he conceded to my wish in our separation agreement, which I was happy about.

Up until that point, I just wanted to be okay financially. I knew I would be okay otherwise. I didnt see the need to be nasty over the break up. I simply wanted out. That's why I was amicable.

Though, I'm not exactly sure why I was prompted to go beyond that to the level of kindness that I expressed. All I know is I had a very slight whisper in my ear. It was faint, but thankfully I was listening because everything changed on November 6th, 2006 at 6:30 PM.

Everything.

Changed.

Now, I no longer value material objects like I once did. I also no longer hold back kind words.

Nowadays, If I think that someone is talented, interesting, or amazing in whatever way - I then I tell them outright. If those kinds of sentiments are what whisper in my ear, I never hold back.

Whether or not the other person will "get it" or will reciprocate is less of a concern for me now. Since I worry less about how I will be received by others, I actually have made more new friends than ever before. Likewise, I also have become more trusting of people in the days since Roman died. An ironic reaction to betrayal, I know. But I have my reasons...and surprisingly (or not), most people to rise to the occasion when given the chance.

I never needed to be so guarded in my earlier years. My reserve certainly did not protect me from heartbreak, disappointment, financial stress, or a life-altering series of proverbial roundhouse kicks to the heart, head, and gut. So, I let mistrust go along with Roman.

But undoing a trait that took a lifetime to develop is a process, just like grief...Just like forgiveness. It requires effort. Unfortunately, there's no magic "I'm not going to be shy, reserved, and guarded" switch I can just flip inside my brain. However, thankfully, the Universe also gives me nudges when it whispers. Those nudges come with momentum to move me along. They teach me how to be better when I listen to them.

All because I met and married a guy named Roman.

Of course I forgive.