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| My ex-boyfriend and me at the first ever Coachella Festival in 1999. Lessons from the past helped me forgive. |
Being left to make sense Roman's mess had me reeling after he died.
I was so angry after confronting his fling and discovered her to be so incredibly vile; words are just approximations to the experience. Language hardly comes close to conveying the depth of my fury after speaking to her. Anger ran so close to my core that I literally became nauseated when I recalled our conversation. Not surprising, in the days and weeks that followed, I couldn't eat, sleep, interact, think, or really live for all intents and purposes.
My emotions consumed me whole.
One way I coped at that time was by spending hoards of money on clothes from Anthropologie. My self-esteem had been annihilated, so indulging in pretty things was a source of comfort at the time. Being lied to and cheated on with someone of her character left me feeling worthless and disposable. Yet, while new clothes gave me a temporary sense of redemption, it did not last. Fortunately, raiding the racks at Anthroplogie wasn't my only means of coping back then. I also attended weekly counseling for a while.
Talking did little to lift the burden I felt, but I stuck with it nonetheless. I continued mostly because I didn't know what else to do with myself. It seemed like what I was supposed to do. So I did...with what seemed like minuscule benefit.
That is until my therapist asked me this simple question: "If you had known the complete truth about his affair, do you think your last words to him would have been the same?"
My first inclination when she posed the question was, "Yeah..of course!?" But in truth, the thought gave pause to my obsessive anger and started to grow in my head like a planted seed.
Through serious consideration, I came to the conclusion that I could not say for sure how I may have responded if I knew the truth before Roman died. In our last day together, I like to think I'd have said the same heartfelt things, but then I remember my ex - the one with whom I parted over a pointed, "fuck you..!!" I did not mince words in my final expression to him and he didn't cause anywhere near the heartbreak and frustration that Roman had. In the past I had reacted sharply to people who disappointed me and Roman most certainly let me down.
Easily, I could have allowed my final words to Roman to be harsh, not knowing that he was about to die. And once my therapist posed the $100,000 question, I knew that if my last words to Roman had been cutting, it would have haunted me far longer than my anger over his indiscretion. Rationally, I knew that the sting of his actions would fade with time, but consequences of my own words might not. Grief in-and-of-itself had left me with lingering guilt and doubt. If my final words to Roman would not have been what they were, I could conceivably have walked away with even less closure and more sorrow.
I could have walked away truly shattered as a person.
As I processed the variables over how my last exchange with Roman played out, my anger, sadness, and guilt gradually alleviated to a point where I could at least function. Part of the burden lifted from my shoulders as I accepted that things happened the way they did. Period. Wishing it could have been different or painting myself into a victim's corner was pointless.
I do not know why things happened the way they did. I will never know if I would have been kind to Roman if I knew the truth. I also do not know what might have become of him if he lived. Though I can now accept the reality as part of a larger plan. A plan that is bigger than Roman's lies and one that is bigger than my own ego.
In the years since he passed, I have struggled with grief; though consciously, I have accepted that things happened the way that they did for a reason. It is a reason that I am not necessarily meant to know right now. That's okay. Acceptance of the plan gives me perspective in moments when old wounds are scratched. It has allowed me to let go of Roman's ghost and of many of my own regrets. But no doubt, it has been an ongoing process.
Today I am a better person for having known him. In a way I am grateful for that because much good has come in the wake of his death.
And never again will my last words to someone be "fuck you." Life is too short and uncertain...No disappointment from another person is worth that level of burden.
I forgive Roman. Thankfully the Universe prompted me to let him know before he left.
5 comments:
Sunny, your words always make me stop and think and this post really touches me...immediately after my mom died I reached out to someone who was very important to me in the past and long story short, I ended up even more heart broken and at times I said some very unkind things... Our last conversation was not a forgiving one. I won't apologize to him but this post really made me think about my own healing and I forgive him for causing
more hurt at a time when my heart couldn't handle it.
Thank you for being so open to your readers and for your inspiration.
Sunny, you sure have it ALL together;) It will take time to find out WHY Roman came into your life. It's taken me 31 yrs to TRY to figure this out for me. I think i have partially figured it out. I came to the conclusion that I was supposed to "learn something" What, I'm not sure. He was just like roman, very arrogant, self-righteous, his way was the only way to do things as he knew it all.
Sunny, I think Roman down-graded to a girl that wasn't as good as you, AND that is the good part about all of this. I personally think you deserved somebody better, I think if roman would have lived longer, you would have to endure more details, and leave you with more to work out, all the Whys. I think it was wrong of him to go outside the marriage for comfort, which in my eyes he's not a very good partner, friend, or spouse. . I'm sorry to know of all your pain that you're feeling or felt.
Sunny, My sister's ex did the same to her and in the end she was loaded with too many details That left her feelin pain for the rest of her life. For her, there was no journey to try to find Mr. right. She was so damaged by the details that he gave her that she just never recovered.
I think these people to seek outside the marriage they are less of a person to resort to an affair. Nothing can change between 2 ppl when they are pre-occupied with another and so they become the problem.
Sunny, I think Roman did his best when : HE FOUND YOU. And just be comfortable with that. This other girl didn't and couldn't measure up to the kind of person you are. She surely showed her true self. I think you were very brave to call her and she should have been more please with you!! take care, Sunny
As always, I love to read all of your posts, Sunny. You certaionly share a lot of wisdom with us.
Wow...you've pretty much left me speechless, Sunny. I admire the level of clarity you have in remembering moments, feelings, exchanges. In truth, I burnt too many braincells and no longer can get to that particular place. You'd think that would make things easier...allow me to forget...nope. It just leaves gaping holes that haunt me...
"My emotions consumed me whole". That certainly describes it when grief takes hold. I felt that too..consumed, eaten alive by IT. Again your ability to put words to how things actually feel is extraordinary.
I really admire your ability to forgive. I have read what you wrote hoping that somewhere in there may be the key that might unlock MY door to forgiveness...I still see only shadows of the nightmare of that one NIGHT. I still rage at the perpetrators of that act yet I still feel like they mock me. I haven't forgiven them. Perhaps I need to forgive myself first? Ahh...that might be the ticket, 'ya think?! (It is of course and I know that, forgiveness even for myself comes hard...).
What words of wisdom that I will never forget you used to end this post: "Never again will my last words to someone be fuck you Life is too short and uncertain." "worth that kind of burden..."
Heavy shit, my dear but so true. The things we endure to achieve such clarity, eh?!
I didn't really mean to drift into my own inability to forgive when I sat down to comment this evening but such is the amazing, healing power of this blog and what you've had to say here the last few months. Was the good SSTB has achieved here with some of us readers worth the heartache and pain it caused you? Shit no it wasn't. But it is GOOD and that is just more then just something. It creates and perpetuates hope.
And you're healing...That is indeed good to see, it's so promising and we are fortunate that you have shared it with us here so bravely and so openly.
Thank you....
I still can't swallow the idea of you having that telephone conversation with that wretched heartless woman. She is despicable and beyond horrible.
I've thought a lot about my last conversation I had with my father before he passed away. It was an angry conversation that I regret and there isn't any way I can take back what I said to him. I've had to forgive myself for that because I know that if he were alive he would too.
Sometimes talking about it helps, sometimes it doesn't. I believe that's often why we choose not to. I'm glad that writing about it here among friends has not only helped us, but has helped you. Hugs.
I'm only posting this to make you smile. Just had my birthday, which was kind of tough (you know well ... the not sleeping, the feelings that you had right at the beginning return anew to floor you again and again).
Each year I buy myself a birthday gift from Cliff.
So I started designing a Pandora bracelet, carefully selecting charms that symbolize my whole life, much of it relating to Cliff and then losing him. I'll order it soon, and will collect the charms gradually.
Last year, I bought a gold bracelet in Dubai airport(and I only had 10 minutes to spare yet somehow managed).
And the first year? I got the car that you have.
So I share the shopping thing with you. Short term it helps, long term of course it doesn't.
But I looked back and smiled. And thought, I'm improving, I'm healing ... year to year. You can tell by the fact that the gifts are becoming more "sensible" money-wise. I'm learning to rejoin reality and the world. Without him.
Love to you x
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